


The Adventure of the Consulting Corpse

by apliddell



Series: The Most Human [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BBC Sherlock - Freeform, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Friendship / Flirting / Thinking of You Fest, Humor, M/M, Post Reichenbach, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-18
Updated: 2013-02-18
Packaged: 2017-11-29 18:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apliddell/pseuds/apliddell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Reichenbach, pre Empty House<br/>Sherlock finds he can't do without his blogger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Adventure of the Consulting Corpse

“Good evening, Doctor Watson.”  
“Hello, who is this?”  
“I’m calling on behalf of a friend who would very much like to get in touch with you.”  
“What friend is that?”  
“If you check your left exterior coat pocket, I believe you will find a mobile phone, Doctor Watson. Keep it on your person at all times and do not attempt to place any calls on it. Your friend will contact you later tonight.”  
“Who is this? Are you with Mycroft?”  
“Have a pleasant night, Doctor Watson.” 

…

“John, what a nice surprise. I wasn’t expecting you to phone me, though of course it is wonderful to be on speaking terms again.”  
“What are you plotting, Mycroft?”  
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”  
“I had an odd phone call today, and I thought you might be behind it.”  
“Odd in what way?”  
“Something about a friend who wants to get in touch with me. Is that you?”  
“I am in touch with you now, Doctor Watson.”  
“They called me Doctor Watson on the phone as well. Are you sure it’s not you?”  
“You’ve got a phone, haven’t you? I could just phone you.”  
“Right. Or kidnap me.”  
“Or I could meet you at a cafe.”  
“Seemed like your style is all. I thought maybe it had something to do with y’know. The investigation.”  
“There is no news regarding the investigation as far as I am aware.”  
“I suppose you’d know all about it.”  
“Naturally. He was my brother, after all.”  
“Right.”  
“Thank you for coming to me with this. Do let me know if there are any more disturbances. In the meantime, I shall increase your security.”  
“You’re still having me followed?”  
“A small precaution. I’m terribly sorry, but I do have another engagement. Good morning.”

...

Don’t.  
-M

I don’t know what you mean.  
-SH

You know exactly what I mean. Leave the poor man alone. Haven’t you put him through enough? Or do you actually imagine he might be pleased to hear from you?  
-M

He deserves to know the truth, Mycroft.  
-SH

Contacting him at all is a risk. You can’t tell him the truth.  
-M

A bit of it, then.  
-SH

Don’t pretend you’re thinking of John. This is about you and your pointless theatricality.  
-M

Hark who’s talking.  
-SH

...

 

"Hullo? Who’s this?"  
"John?"  
"Sherlock?!"  
"John? How are you? Are you all right?"  
"All right. Probably better than you are."  
"Better than I am? Why do you say that?"  
"I'm not the one who's been dead for six months, am I?"  
"Ha! Fair enough."  
"Sherlock, what's wrong with your voice? Have you been smoking?"  
"It can't hurt me now. I've been dead for six months. Besides there's no one to stop me."  
"Then hurry up and come back to life. I'll stop you."  
"I've got to go. I miss you."  
"I miss you, too."  
"Good night, John."

...

"John, why aren't you angry with me? Are you waiting until you see me so you can avoid my teeth and nose?"  
"No, Sherlock, I'm not going to hit you. Not for this, though I'm sure you'll find some new and exciting way to torment me."  
"Then why?"  
"Well, I am angry with you, but I expect I'll get past it."  
"Why?"  
"Don't you want me to?"  
"Yes, I want you to, and I want you to tell me why."  
"The answer isn't very flattering to you."  
"Oh, don't worry about ruffling my vanity. Just tell me."  
"You need me to look after you. You're like a very gangly baby without."  
"I survived for thirty-three years before I met you."  
"By some miracle of Heaven, no doubt because you're helpless."  
"When I tell you what I've been up to, you'll have to recant your notions of my helplessness."  
"Which of the two of us has forgotten his pants at Buckingham Palace?"  
"That was a protest!"  
"Which of the two of us can't be arsed to take a phone out of his own pocket? Or sit up to reach for a pen? Or walk into the next room to find a laptop? Or feed himself?"  
"Those are your standards of self-maintenance, John, not mine."  
"You need me. So I know you'd never leave me unless you really had to. Plus I know that maniac must've had a hand in it. He forced me to almost blow you up. He can make anyone do anything."  
"Hmph. The decision was certainly made under duress. And I do miss you."  
"That's the second time you've said that. Coming from you, it's practically a marriage proposal."  
"Already married to my work, John."  
"We'll see if I can't steal you away yet."  
"That would be tremendously ambitious of you."

...

"I understand you've had some rather interesting phone calls of late, Doctor Watson."  
"John is fine. You're not fooling anyone with the honorific."  
"What he's doing could be fatal to both of you. Don't encourage him."  
"Right, Mycroft, if I bake you a cake or make you a cup of tea or knit you a jumper, then I'm doing it to please you and you can say whatever you like about it. Everything else, assume I'm doing it to please myself and fuck right off out of it."  
"Childish."  
"I'm not Sherlock; you can't bait me that easily."  
"This piece of defiance could cost you everything he's worked for."  
"You're going to have to work a bit harder on your manipulation."

...

Mycroft, John is not to be interfered with.  
-SH

I'm trying to protect him from your interference.  
-M

Unnecessary. I'll thank you to stay out of my affairs.  
-SH

My involvement in your affairs (don't think I haven't noted your word choice) is what is keeping both you and John Watson alive.  
-M

The sooner you complete your task, the sooner your tender reunion with John can take place.  
-M

Save your speeches for then. Delivered all at once, I'm sure they will be very stirring.  
-M

Do fuck off out of it.  
-SH

That was remarkably similar in style and substance to a remark John made to me.  
-M

You are letting sentiment get the better of you.  
-M

My sentiment saved his life.  
-SH

Your sentiment marked him as a target. And it will again as long as your association continues.  
-M

No man is an island, Mycroft.  
-SH

Am I not allowed a share of familial concern? The pair of you treat me like a monster.  
-M

If you've done with this touching display of jealousy, I have work to attend to.  
-SH

As do you. Name-clearing work. Stop spying on me and clear my name.  
-SH

And don't forget to fuck off.  
-SH

...

"I hear you've been rowing with Mycroft."  
"Not rowing, exactly. I did get a bit firm with him."  
"He said you told him to fuck off."  
"Quite firm, then."  
"Wish I'd been there."  
"You tell him to fuck off all the time. It was a lot like that."  
"I don't usually say it in precisely those words. And I like to see you defend me, John. Especially when I haven't done anything wrong."  
"Has that ever actually happened?"  
"Oh, yes. You get quite warm in my defense. It's endearing."  
"No, I mean, aren't you always being infuriating?"  
"Infuriating enough to blow up or shoot or stab with a hypodermic needle or flog with a riding crop?"  
"Mmm, maybe the riding crop."  
"You did punch me in the face."  
"You insisted! And you hit me first. But it was mostly because you asked me to. Only 30% retaliation."  
"I thought it'd be faster than convincing you. Your expression was particularly vacant that day."  
"I was just distracted thinking of finding you in Buckingham Palace with no pants on."  
"Mmm? Were you?"  
"Not like that!"  
"Passing over me without my pants..."

...

"I'm sorry I haven't called."  
"Are you all right?"  
"I'm fine. There's been a setback."  
"A setback?"  
"I can't say more."  
"No, of course not."  
"I miss you."  
"I miss you as well."  
"Tell me how you’re getting on with your deductions."  
"It's hard to say without you here to tell me if I'm right."  
"Maybe I can help now. Let's hear some."  
"How will you know if I've got it right?"  
"Of course I'll know if you've got it right. You can start with someone we know, if you like."  
"Okay. Hmm. Oh, Molly's dating."  
"And how do you know?"  
"She's started wearing lipstick, but not all the time. I figure she wears it when she's going to meet up with him. Oh and it's red lipstick."  
"Good. Go on."  
"She's got a new necklace, but it doesn't suit her very well, so she didn't choose it for herself. And it's silver. Her other jewelry is gold. She only seems to wear it when she's also wearing lipstick. I think she keeps it in her bag and only puts it on when she's seeing the new bloke."  
"Very good. Anything else?"  
"Yes, actually. One more thing, but it's quite important, I think. She parts her hair in the middle now. She'd been parting it on the right since you told her it suited her more, but now she's parting it in the middle again."  
"Well done, John!"  
"I haven't missed nearly everything of importance?"  
"No, I'm impressed."  
"It's simpler than I thought once I got started. Especially with people I already know."  
"Well you're progressing beautifully. The science of deduction can be taught! Even to an average mind."  
"I am a doctor, you know Sherlock. A qualified doctor, even. We tend to be rather clever."  
"I suppose it's a long scale."  
"And I know ordinary adult things like heliocentrism."  
"Irrelevant. Do you know how to identify 243 different types of tobacco ash?"  
"No, but I know a mad website where I can look it up."  
"I took down my tobacco ash monograph, actually. You said it was boring."  
"Can you name all the bones in the human body?"  
"Of course."  
"Can you clean a gun?"  
"Yes."  
"Do you know who Adele is?"  
"Former client?"  
"Wrong! Pop star."  
"That's one piece of useless trivia. You write down a list of everything you know, and I'll do the same. Then we can compare and see whose is longer."  
"How will that help? Ohhh, you mean compare the lists?"  
"Childish."

...

"Have you received my package, John?"  
"Have I what?"  
"Received my package?"  
"Have I received what?"  
"Honestly John, these innuendos are as transparent as they are adolescent."  
"Sorry, couldn't help it. What am I meant to have received?"  
"I sent you a gift. I'd hoped you'd already received it."  
"I don't think so. What is it?"  
"You'll know it when you see it."  
"That sounds ominous."  
"It's my first foray into sentimentality."  
"And on my account? Touching. People will talk, you know."  
"Only about how you've finally gone mad. I'm dead, remember?"  
"Ah, yes. How could I forget? My fake genius lover is dead. Alleged fake genius lover, I should say."  
"Indeed. Alleged."

...

"I think I've received your package."  
"I assure you John, you couldn't have done without being certain of it."  
"That was quite good. Have you been practicing?"  
"Yes, actually. I talk to you when I'm trying to work something out."  
"Oh, Sherlock, that's almost romantic."  
"Romantic? I am not romantic."  
"All right, relax. It's not some disgusting illness. Under the right circumstances, I think you could be very romantic. You're observant, you're passionate."  
"I am not passionate."  
"All right, all right. I take it back. Still. Any bloke would be lucky to have you."  
"I know what you're doing, John, and it's very tiresome."  
"Sorry. Just having a laugh."  
"Hmph."  
"So, why did you send me the skull?"  
"I thought you might want someone to talk to, as we don't get to speak very often. He's a good listener."  
"If I recall our flatshare correctly, you were the one who talked incessantly. I was the skull."  
"Not incessantly."  
"Near enough."  
"Anyway. I thought you might want a bit of company."  
"I do. Thank you. Makes my place feel more like home."

...

"Please put it back, John. "  
"No."  
"I'll only plant another one."  
"Help yourself, then."  
"Just put it back and save me eighty quid."  
"That's all it costs to have someone break into my flat?"  
"Well, it's a friends and family rate."  
"You had Mycroft's people break into my flat?"  
"No, of course not! How did you even know it was there?"  
"Dust. Is eloquent."  
"What was that?"  
"What?"  
"That stupid posh voice. Was that me?"  
"Did it sound like you?"  
"Marginally. I'm impressed you noticed the dust."  
"The science of deduction can be taught even to an average mind. Why did you pretend the skull was a gift? You could have just told me."  
"It was a gift."  
"A gift with a hidden recording device."  
"Yes, it was both! I didn't want you to feel inhibited by its presence."  
"Inhibited."  
"Self-conscious. I didn't want you to feel self-conscious."  
"Well, if you'd asked for what you wanted, I might've given it to you. Now you'll never know what I do when I'm feeling uninhibited."

...

"No, Sherlock, get away!"  
"What?"  
"Oh, sorry. Not you. The cat. She's rubbing against my phone."  
"Cat?"  
"Yes, I got a cat."  
"You named your cat Sherlock?"  
"Yes, she looks just like you. It's uncanny."  
"Impossible."  
"She's black and white like she's wearing a suit, and she's got these bright blue eyes. And she's a git, just like you. Aren't you, Sherlock?"  
"John, don't. You can't call your cat Sherlock."  
"Yes, I can call my cat Sherlock, Sherlock."  
"Can't you see how absurd this is?"  
"As there's nothing you can do about it, I suggest you get used to it. Besides she already answers to Sherlock."  
"Cats don't answer to anything, John. They lack the cognitive faculties."  
"She responds every time I say 'Sherlock'. She's going mad right now. Aren't you, Sherlock?"  
"She's responding to your voice's change in pitch when you speak to her. How are our mutual acquaintances responding to you naming your cat after your dead flatmate?"  
"I just got her a week ago, so she hasn't been introduced yet."  
"Cats cannot be introduced, John. They have no social standing."  
"I reckon our friends will enjoy her company more than yours."  
"John! Please."  
"All right, a compromise then. She can be Good Sherlock, and you can be Bad Sherlock."  
"Have some respect for the dead, John."  
"Seems a bit anti-climactic to admit I was winding you up, but I don't really have a cat. Just looking after this one for Molly while she's on holiday."  
"You tricked me?"  
"You drugged me with a hallucinogen and convinced me I was being hunted by a murderous dog."  
"For a case, John. And I apologised for that. And you were drugged, but I didn’t actually manage to drug you."  
"You make being an annoying dick seem like such fun, I thought I'd join in."  
"I can't believe you actually deceived me. You're a dreadful liar."  
"That's just what an excellent liar would want you to think."

...

"I had a panic attack at your grave today."  
"At my grave?"  
"Mycroft asked me to visit. For appearances."  
"You don't need to do that. I'll speak to him."  
"No, it's fine. He couldn't have known."  
"Are you feeling better?"  
"Not loads better."  
"I'm not in there, John. It's all right."  
"It's not over, though, is it? You're not all the way back yet. And who knows when you will be."  
"I will come back, John. I promise."  
"I know you will."  
...

"Have you composed anything since you died?"  
"I don't have my violin. Mycroft put it into storage."  
"Sherlock, are you about to cry?"  
"I really miss my violin. I could murder for it."  
"Lovely."  
"I just want to hold it. It was so...grounding."  
"Are you drunk?"  
"I've been drinking."  
"So you have. It's making you loose-lipped."  
"Will you play the clarinet for me, John? When I come back?"  
"Ask me again when you're sober."  
"I will."  
"If you remember."  
"I'll remember."  
"Isn't sentiment a chemical something?"  
"Indulge me. I'm dead."

...

"Have you seen any good murders lately?"  
"Have I seen any good what?"  
"Murders, John! Is the connection bad? Or is this another penis joke?"  
"Penis joke? No! It's just that most people wouldn't ask if I'd seen any good murders like you might ask if I'd seen any good films."  
"John, please don't ask me to fathom the infinite tedium of most people. Answer the question."  
"No, I have not seen any good murders lately."  
"Pity. Why not?"  
"I really don't know how to answer that question. How could I even begin to approach the notion of what constitutes a good murder?"  
"Come on, John. Don't be boring."  
"I haven't been assisting with any cases lately, actually. You're the detective. I can't really do it without you."  
"You're not abominably incompetent. You're not Anderson."  
"I'm flattered?"  
"You should be."

...

"I know I can't ask where you are or what you're up to."  
"Nope."  
"But I've been wondering if you're bored."  
"Constantly."  
"What do you do to entertain yourself? Shoot holes in the wall?"  
"That wasn't particularly entertaining. I was just trying to provoke you."  
"You provoke me loads without inventing new ways."  
"Your tolerance for scientific inquiry is alarmingly low. And I'd think an army doctor would have more affinity for gore."  
"My affinity for gore is dampened when the gore is inside my fridge."  
"I'll put that on my list."  
"Your list?"  
"Yes."  
"I'll bite, then. What list?"  
"I'm keeping a list of things that annoy you, so I can be a better flatmate."  
"Really?"  
"John, please stop making me repeat myself! I don't say things I don't mean."  
"You're always saying things you don't mean."  
"In deference to your social sensibilities. Why are you so amazed that I want to accommodate you, John? I'm not an automaton."  
"A robot. You just said you enjoy provoking me."  
"I did. But. Hmmm."  
"Sherlock? Has your head fallen off? You're not speechless?"  
"What we've been through has been clarifying for me. I work so much better with a friend. There's no comparison."  
"I didn't think you realised that."  
"It took too long. I was so slow and dull, I can hardly believe it. It's maddening to have so much on my mind and to be able to talk to you only about nothing. John?"  
"Yes?"  
"I don't need to tell you things you already know, do I?"  
"I suppose not, but sometimes you give me too much credit."  
"But not this time, John?"  
"No."  
"Good."  
"Sherlock, I-"  
"Yes, I know. I'm not an idiot."  
"It's quite a long scale."

...

"So, what's on your list?"  
"John dislikes gore in the fridge."  
"Is that all?"  
"What should be on it?"  
"I have to think on that."  
"You were full of suggestions the other day."  
"Did you put any of them on the list?"  
"Which ones should I have put on the list?"  
"What about circular conversations?"  
"John dislikes circular conversations. I'll add it. What else?"  
"Interrogations."  
"John dislikes interrogations. All right. Anything else?"  
"Obtusity."  
"That's not a word."  
"Pedantry."  
"You're squandering an opportunity, John."

...

"Have you got any dressing gowns?"  
"Dressing gowns?"  
"I'm trying to picture you somewhere. I've been having this feeling like you're just back at the flat, and soon I'll go home, and there you’ll be on the sofa in your dressing gown."  
"Right now I've got on a running kit and trainers."  
"A running kit and trainers?"  
"Last time I wore only a sheet, everyone was so unreasonable about it. Except you, I suppose."  
"I can't ask you about it?"  
"No."  
"Have you changed your hair?"  
"Can't say."  
"Well, I have. I've grown a beard."  
"You haven't."  
"I've gotten a knighthood for my distinguished beard, actually."  
"If you had a beard, I'd be able to hear it against the mouthpiece of your mobile."  
"I don't snog the phone, Sherlock."  
"I know you're badly in need of a haircut. The hair's grown down over your ears. You were using the cane again the first time we spoke, but you've stopped judging by the sound of your tread when you pace while we talk. Must be a new cane, actually. I binned the old one almost as soon as you moved in. But also the new one was a bit too short for you, if I recall correctly and of course I do. I can read you John Watson, even when I can’t see you. You don't have a beard."  
"I look like Ewan MacGregor in Revenge of the Sith."  
"I don't know what that means. But I know you don't have a beard."

...

"I'm having toast for dinner, John."  
"That's not a very good dinner."  
"Tea and toast. I haven't had toast in ages. Nice to eat a familiar food."  
"Oh really?"  
"Ages and ages. With marmalade."  
"Is that a metaphor? I don't know what you're getting at."  
"Are you being intentionally infuriating?"  
"Are you?"

...

"Have you been practicing the clarinet, John?"  
"I have, actually. Though I was hoping you'd forgotten about that."  
"I told you I wouldn't."  
"You never forget the things I hope you'll forget. But you do forget things like having used the last of the milk in an experiment about building an immunity to pepper spray."  
"For a case, John. And that was nearly two years ago."  
"It's a very vivid memory."  
"Keep practicing, John. Perhaps soon we can play together."  
"I never played like you play. I'm not very good."  
"We'll have to choose our piece carefully."  
“Maybe you can compose something for us.”  
“Maybe.”

...

“When you come back, I want to do more.”  
“Do more? Dinner parties? Gallery openings? Visits to the symphony?”  
“No, don’t be stupid. I mean with cases. I want to help more. I want to be more useful.”  
“John, you’re invaluable.”  
“Conductor of light, yes, I remember. But it’s so aggravating that I’m just here going to drinks dos with work people and watching Glee with Molly while you’re wherever you are doing godknows. I want us to be partners; I don’t want to be left out again. I don’t want you to have to work alone.”  
“John, we are partners. I didn’t leave you out because you’re not clever. You know I think you’re clever.”  
“Then, why not let me help you? I could have helped. I can help now. Tell Mycroft you need me. Let me come and help you.”  
“You remember what I said about me not telling you things you already know?”  
“Yes.”  
“Well, then.”  
“No, Sherlock.”  
“No?”  
“You can’t just decide for me, Sherlock. You can’t use that as an excuse not to trust me. I know you’re new to the caring lark, but it doesn’t work if you don’t treat me like an adult and let me make my own decisions.”  
“You know I can’t discuss that over the phone.”  
“You know I’m not just talking about that.”  
“We can’t make it unhappen, John.”  
“I watched you die. I went to your funeral. And it was a lie.”  
“I came back, John.”  
“Not yet. I would do anything to have you back. And I would go to you, if I could. I hate that I haven't. You'd have gone to me."  
"You don't know where I am."  
"You'd have found me."  
"I would have."  
"Sod it. Can you come back now? All I can think about is what if I never see you again. Just come back now, and we'll sort it out together."  
"I can't."  
"I knew you'd say that."

…

“John, the last ten months have been agony. If I’d been just a bit more selfish or perhaps slightly less self-loathing, I’d have spirited you away long ago. I’m so unhappy I can hardly think, and if you were here, we’d have been finished months ago.”  
“That must have been difficult for you to say.”  
“But?”  
“Seems...pointless to discuss it, if we’re not actually going to settle anything. You’re not going to tell me your story.”  
“I will.”  
“All right, well. Let’s just put a pin in it. Until we can talk about it properly.”  
“I thought we were past this. I thought you’d forgiven me.”  
“I want to. Not quite sure what I’m forgiving yet. Let’s talk about something cheerful.”  
“All right. I’ve bugged your flat again.”  
“Have you?”  
“Yes, waste of eighty quid because of your stubbornness. I’m quite enjoying the footage of you learning card tricks, though. You need to work on your misdirection.”  
“As if any card trick could fool you.”  
“I’ve yet to be fooled. But I’m afraid you’re an atrocious magician.”  
“Mrs. Hudson thinks I’m quite good.”  
“She’s flattering you.”  
“You might be right. People have been really nice to me since you died.”  
“Listen to me John; I’m your friend. I’ll tell you when your magic tricks are rubbish.”  
“I’ve been doing it out of a book. Maybe I could watch a few Youtube videos.”  
“If you think it would help.”  
“You don’t?”  
“It won’t.”

...

“You should learn to cook.”  
“What on earth for?”  
“You’re bored, aren’t you? Something to do.”  
“Something tedious to do.”  
“It’ll help you focus.”  
“I can focus fine. I spend hours tending experiments and analysing data.”  
“Believe they call that hyperfocus, actually. It’ll be good for you to focus on something that doesn’t immediately blow your skirt up.”  
“Blow my what?”  
“Float your boat?”  
“I don’t know where you get your idioms, John Watson.”

...

“I’m learning to whittle.”  
“Is that a joke?”  
“Is whittling funny?”  
“Not particularly, just seems out of character. What are you whittling?”  
“Only sharp bits of wood so far. I just started this evening.”  
“Ah. I’m glad you’re not here because I’m assuming that means you’ve destroyed a chair. Are the sharp bits of wood in service of anything?”  
“I may build a mantrap.”  
“Can you tell me that?”  
“It would have no tactical application, but one must amuse oneself however one can.”  
“Indeed. Or one is likely to lose one’s shit.”  
“How deep would the pit have to be to ensure that an average-sized man would be impaled on the stakes?”  
“I’ve really no idea.”  
“You call yourself a doctor.”  
“Must have been skiving when they covered mantraps in school.”  
“Have a care next time, John. Terribly irresponsible.”  
“Sorry, Sherlock. The next time an opportunity to learn about mantraps comes up, I will take it very seriously.”  
“You make fun now. Remember the pig?”  
“You never did explain that one.”  
“A properly constructed mantrap could have saved me a good deal of trouble.” 

...

Mycroft, John would like to join me. That is NOT to happen under any circumstances.  
-SH 

I had no plans to arrange for it.  
-M

Then we’re agreed. Good.  
-SH

For the moment. Something else will come along shortly; I’m sure of it.  
-M

It always does.  
-SH

You’re doing very well, Sherlock. I’m proud of you.  
-M

No need for that. I’m feeling somewhat compliant. What do you want?  
-SH

Nothing, Sherlock. I do care about you. You’re my little brother, and I haven’t looked after you as I should have done.  
-M

Good god. Are you dying?  
-SH

Accept the compliment, Sherlock. You deserve it. You really are doing well. You’ve grown almost dependable in your own way.  
-M

I know it thrills you to make me dance to your piping, Mycroft, but this is a very temporary situation. Once I’m back in England, things will go back to the way they were.  
-SH

Pity. You have the opportunity to be a real hero to your country. And perhaps a career change. Even when you’re back, people will not easily forget what was said about you.  
-M

Not interested.  
-SH

You have a talent I had not fully realised before. Do think it over.  
-M

No need.  
-SH

...

“I suppose Sherlock’s already gotten to you.”  
“Gotten to me? “  
“I suppose he’s already told you that I want to help. “  
“He mentioned it.“  
“And forbade it?”  
“He was not warm to the idea.”  
“Well, he needs me. He’s barely coping without. I can help. “  
“On the contrary, he’s flourishing. “  
“Have you spoken to him recently?”  
“Just this morning, in fact.”  
“Please, Mycroft. I just want to contribute.”  
“Admirable but not at all necessary.”  
“When is he coming back?”  
“We’re all very optimistic. Then again, things can be so changeable. Good morning, John.”

...

“John, I’ve realised something.”  
“Have you?”  
“You’re the world’s only expert on the world’s only consulting detective.”  
“I’m a Sherlock Holmes expert, am I?”  
“As near as there is.”  
“Another long scale, I suppose. I think I have some significant gaps in my knowledge.”  
“Such as?”  
“What were you like in primary school?”  
“Intense.”  
“Ha! I believe that.”  
“Indeed. Anything else?”  
“Favourite colour?”  
“Dull. Be a better biographer, John.”  
“Be a better subject, Sherlock. I’ll ask the questions. Favourite colour?”  
“Blue.”  
“That wasn’t so hard, was it?”  
“It nearly killed me.”  
“Good thing you’re already dead.”  
“Quite.”  
“Favourite food?”  
“Soldiers.”  
“Really? Soldiers?”  
“Yes, John, that’s why I said it.”  
“Why soldiers?”  
“If I had said ‘Italian’ would you be asking me why?”  
“No, I suppose not. Just thought there might be a story there, that’s all.”  
“There isn’t. Well. My mum used to make them for me. When Mycroft was away at school, but before I had started. When it was just the two of us.”  
“Goodness, I’ve opened a wormhole, haven’t I?”  
“Yes, John, your insight is stunning. Imagine me being fond of something because it reminds me of my mother.”  
“By the by, are you impressed with my restraint in not making a joke about your affinity for soldiers?”  
“Not anymore.” 

...

“When you come back, I’ll be wanting a pay rise.”  
“Pay rise? I don’t pay you.”  
“Oh yes, you do. You pay me 35% of your fee for each case.”  
“Well, that’s already outrageous. No pay rise.”  
“I thought I was essential.”  
“Invaluable.”  
“Then give me a pay rise.”  
“What difference does it make? Our money comes from the same place.”  
“No, it doesn’t. And that works, sort of, when we’re flatmates, but not when you’re dead. Good thing that check from Mycroft for the Bond Air case was so big, or I’d be completely skint. No one wants to hire me now I’m Sherlock Holmes’ disgraced widow. I feel like an Austen heroine.”  
“Why aren’t you using your inheritance? Haven’t you gotten it?”  
“Inheritance?”  
“I left you some money.”  
“How much?”  
“A good bit. Well, nearly all of it.”  
“And how much is that?”  
“Don’t be vulgar, John. I shall have to speak to Mycroft about this. He’s my executor.”  
“Talking about money is vulgar when you’ve always had lots of it. Won’t it be a bit complicated getting the money back when you come back?”  
“What difference does it make if it’s got your name on it or if it’s got my name on it?”  
“Sherlock, we’re not a couple. We have to maintain separate finances.”  
“Don’t bore me with semantics.”  
“Semantics? We’re not a couple!”  
“You’ve said yourself we’re partners.”  
“Not those kind of partners!”  
“Near enough in this case.”  
“I really don’t know what to say to that.”  
“Shut up, then.”

...

“So in what other ways are we near enough a couple?”  
“Must we really discuss this?”  
“Just expanding my encyclopaedic knowledge of Sherlock Holmes.”  
“Well in division of labour, I suppose.”  
“This should be good. Care to elaborate?”  
“Well, I do the proper work and you do the shopping and keep the flat in order, after a fashion, and arrange all our social engagements and explain my eccentricities to narrow-minded people. And you pour out.”  
“So I’m your wife?”  
“That’s terribly sexist, John.” 

...

“Are you a John Watson expert?”  
“Of course.”  
“Off you pop, then.”  
“Ha, you don’t want me to do that.”  
“Half-strength.”  
“I don’t think so, John.”  
“One thing.”  
“You sleep in the foetal position.”  
“That’s not all that personal.”  
“Isn’t it?”  
“One more thing.”  
“You don’t take sugar.”  
“One real thing. Impress me.”  
“Hardly a challenge.”  
“Go on, then.”  
“I really don’t think that would be wise, John. You’re repressing so many things right now.”  
“That’s rich coming from you.”  
“Your secrets aren’t protected by the Official Secrets Act. We’ve done this already. When we met. People hate it when I do this, John. Even you.”  
“You know I didn’t hate it. And I can’t believe you’re declining the opportunity to show off.”  
“I’m showing off my restraint and modesty.”  
“Showing off your modesty?”  
“You’re toying with the idea of becoming a writer. You should do it.”  
“I knew you’d impress me. How did you know that?”  
“How could I not have?”  
“You think I’d be any good?”  
“I think people would enjoy your work.”  
“I know better than to think that a compliment. Can I write about you?”  
“If you must. You should get a transcriptionist, though. You’re a dreadful typist. Used to drive me mad.”  
“Well you’ve impressed me.”  
“Hardly a challenge. Oh, I thought of another fairly safe one. You’ve started wearing reading glasses.”  
“That really is incredible.”  
“I can hear you open and shut the case. It’s a very distinctive creak and a snap. You put them on to read your laptop screen, I think.”  
“How can you tell I’m using my laptop?”  
“I can hear you clicking. And I can hear your atrocious typing. And I’ve seen the video footage, remember?”  
“Cheat.”  
“I can hear you, though. They look nice on you.”  
“You know that from the video footage, right?”  
“Obviously.” 

...

“Cuppa tea? I’m about to put the kettle on. Oh, sorry. I forgot for a moment. I’m half asleep.”  
“Don’t torment me, John. I’m dying for a cup of tea.”  
“You don’t have tea where you are?”  
“No, there’s tea, but I’d have to get up and go downstairs to get some.”  
“No good?”  
“Well, I’ve been in my pants for the last three days.”  
“In your pants? Just your pants?”  
“Sometimes I wear a dressing gown.”  
“Why?”  
“Get chilly.”  
“I mean, why haven’t you put any trousers on for three days?”  
“Mycroft sent me some documents to review.”  
“And you can’t do that with your trousers on?”  
“I decided to have a nap, so I took them off.”  
“And when was that?”  
“Three days ago, John, hadn’t we established that?”  
“Aren’t they nearby? Couldn’t you just put them back on?”  
“ Right John, I don’t know how you got me into a conversation about my trousers, but I’m putting an end to it right now.”  
“Just tell me if it was the same pair of pants the whole time.”  
“Perhaps you should go to bed. You’re not making much sense.”  
“I do seem to have found myself discussing your pants again. How does this keep happening?”  
“I try to stop you. And it’s more of a monologue than a discussion.”  
“Well, get firm with me. Take me in hand.”  
“John Hamish Watson, from here on, you are never to mention my pants again for any reason. Am I quite clear?”  
“I think that’s done it.”  
“You had really better go to bed.”  
“Only if you do. You can’t stay up for three days. You can’t possibly be working well now.”  
“I’m not working at all at the moment. I took a rest to phone you.”  
“Make it a long rest and go to sleep. Doctor’s orders.”  
“I will. I miss you.”  
“‘Course you do.” 

...

 

“Say something cutting.”  
“Pardon?”  
“You’ve been really pleasant recently, and it’s making me nervous. You’re not plotting to risk your life without telling me, are you?”  
“Don’t be an idiot, John.”  
“Thanks.”  
“Don’t mention it.”  
“You have something on your mind.”  
“Yes.”  
“Something you can’t discuss.”  
“Yes.”  
“I wish I could help.”  
“I know.”  
“It’s a shame you’re only ever nice when you’re too preoccupied to show off.”  
“I’m never too preoccupied to show off.”  
“Nah, you’re not are you?”  
“Never.”  
…

“How’s the writing getting on?”  
“Bit stuck, actually.”  
“What are you writing about?”  
“It’s hard to explain.”  
“Writers always say that.”  
“Fine then. You. I’m writing about you.”  
“Naturally. What about me?”  
“Care and feeding, I suppose.”  
“Who’d want to read that?”  
“It’s just an exercise, really. To help me feel creative. Would you like to hear a bit of it?”  
“Not at all.”  
“It contains a few of my deductions about you.”  
“Is that meant to be enticing?”  
“You don’t want to know what I’ve deduced about you?”  
“I’m sure I already know.”  
“Well obviously you know about yourself, but don’t you want to know what I’ve picked up without you telling me?”  
“If you have accurately deduced anything about me, I’m sure I deduced that you deduced it. This is not whetting my curiosity.”  
“Considering this was your idea, I’d think you’d be a bit more encouraging.”  
“It was your idea. I only pointed out that you were having it. Your characterisation of me in the past has been both unflattering and unmethodical. I’d rather not expose myself to any more of it than necessary.”  
“Thank you, you’re giving me quite a lot of material.”  
“John!”  
“Now you know how it feels to be observed.”  
“I may never know.”  
“I’d deduced that you would say that.”

...

“Have you ever considered becoming a research scientist or something like that?”  
“What do you think?”  
“You must’ve done.”  
“But?”  
“You decided against it for some reason. Why?”  
“What do you think?”  
“Why do you make me guess when you could just tell me?”  
“I want you to work it out for yourself. I’m trying to teach you to think.”  
“You’re always telling me I’m crap at deductions. Plus it’d save you a lot of time, and you’d be able to show off.”  
“Giving my own opinion on myself isn’t showing off. And being wrong isn’t wrong, John. Being decisively wrong is often quite useful, when you’re starting out. Be as wrong as you like; just don’t be lazy or sloppy about it.”  
“So you’re not going to answer my question?”  
“I’ll just let you think on it for a bit.” 

...

Mycroft, I need John with me. Fetch him here at once.  
-SH

Quite impossible.  
-M

I need him; he’s useful. I need an assistant.  
-SH

You’ve done without before, and you will continue to do so.  
-M

You know I work better with John.  
-SH

I know you’ve become lazy and dependent.  
-M

Hark who’s talking.  
-SH

John stays in England. If you wish, I can send one of my people to assist you.  
-M

I will take this sulky silence as an affirmative.  
-M

Very well, I will send an assistant. He will identify himself in the usual way.  
-M

...

“I’ve asked Mycroft to send you to me.”  
“Brilliant! When am I leaving?”  
“He won’t do it. He says I’ve grown lazy and dependent.”  
“That’s a recent development, is it?”  
“My John, always speaking truth to power. I would be lost without you.”  
“Shall I speak to him?”  
“No good.”  
“I know, but it’d be so satisfying to really have a go at him.”  
“Indeed. He’s sent me an assistant.”  
“Really?”  
“Yes, a crack shot, ex-military with medical training. He even wears jumpers.”  
“Next best thing to John Watson, I suppose.”  
“There is no such person in existence.”  
“I don’t know what to say.”  
“That’ll do for the moment.”  
“Is he helping?”  
“He’s an idiot.”  
“That’s what you said about me.”  
“You’d think so, too. He’s a bloody idiot. I’m amazed he can put his trousers on in the morning.”  
“Seems to be a fairly common failing.”  
“John, you’re getting dangerously close to the subject of my pants. Don’t forget what I told you before.”  
“I won’t.”  
“Good.” 

...

“I am ill, John.”  
“Got a cold? You sound a bit congested. Oooh, bless you. That was a good one.”  
“There’s no need for that. A sneeze will not expel my soul from my body.”  
“That’d imply that you’ve got one.”  
“Quick as ever.”  
“I was just trying to be pleasant.”  
“By drawing attention to my involuntary bodily functions and invoking ridiculous superstitions. How could I not enjoy that? Come and cure me.”  
“If I could do, I’d be the richest man alive. No cure for a cold.”  
“It’s at least a cold. Could be pneumonia; I got wet through the other day. Even my feet. My shoes are ruined.”  
“Talking of superstition, getting wet doesn’t cause colds or pneumonia.”  
“Well it doesn’t cure them either.”  
“If you’re worried, have the other doctor have a look at you.”  
“He’s not a doctor. Even if he were, I wouldn’t let that dullard anywhere near me in this state.”  
“Have a cup of tea and go to bed. You’ll feel better soon. It’s only a cold.”  
“John, come and cure me.”  
“Would if I could, Sherlock. You know your whinge is my command.”  
“My what?”  
“I suppose you’re going to try to tell me you don’t whinge.”  
“I don’t!”  
“Tell me, Sherlock, is it nice being so detached from reality? I expect I’d find it frustrating.”  
“I can see you are not going to be the source of sympathy I’d hoped for.”

...

“You are not going to drive away your new associate, Sherlock, no matter how many ridiculous assignments you set. He has been engaged to assist you, and assist you he shall until he is dismissed. By me, mind you.”  
“Ahh, you’re making a point.”  
“Use him. He’s good.”  
“He’s an idiot.”  
“You say that about everyone. Give him something real to do, and he will do it. He was very carefully selected. As I have already reminded you several times, the sooner you complete your task, the sooner you will be reunited with your Doctor Watson.”  
“Your jealousy is counterproductive.”  
“Your stubbornness has always been counterproductive. You lean too heavily on John. He’s only one man.”  
“Your concern is moving but unnecessary.”  
“He deserves to have his own life.”  
“I am not discussing this with you.”  
“He’s not like us Sherlock. You will break him.”  
“Have you considered that I may be more like John than like you?”  
“You aren’t.”

...

“So how are the girlfriends, John?”  
“You sound like Harry. Are you interested in ruining my relationships remotely? Afraid you might be getting a bit soft from want of practice?”  
“Just wondering.”  
“You never wonder.”  
“On the contrary, John. I’m a great wonderer. I just want to know that you’re sorted. That’s all.”  
“Sorted? Now you really sound like Harry. Well you know me. Bachelor John Watson.”  
“Indeed. Confirmed bachelor John Watson. John?”  
“Yes?”  
“Does our association keep you from anything?”  
“Keep me from anything? Like from having a girlfriend?”  
“Yes.”  
“It doesn’t exactly make it easier. But if it were keeping me from something I needed, I’d change things.”  
“You just said that I ruin your relationships, not two minutes ago.”  
“Yeah, but I didn’t mean it. Really it’s just that I haven’t met anyone yet who’s more important to me than you are. Or more helpless.”  
“How can I be both helpless and ‘amazing, extraordinary, incredible, brilliant’?”  
“You’re a walking contradiction.”  
“No, I’m not! Why am I?”  
“Yeah, it’s like you’re so clever and you see everything and you know everything. But also-”  
“Not the solar system again.”  
“I wasn’t going to bring up the solar system. I was just going to say that there are things that most people don’t make it to adulthood without picking up and they seem to have just passed you by.”  
“Like what things?!”  
“Well, like relationship things.”  
“Oh, I thought you meant something real.”  
“For most people relationships are real, Sherlock. Most people care about them a lot.”  
“I know. It’s so limiting to care, but nearly everyone does. How strange. Seems like it’d be the exception. It’s like going round with no skin.”  
“Sherlock, that was almost poetry.”  
“Don’t patronise me, John.” 

...

“So how is the other doctor?”  
“Oh, Notjohn? He keeps bringing me oolong.”  
“Oolong?”  
“Yes.”  
“And you stand for that? I just can’t believe it. Oolong? You drink that? You just let him get away with it? Sherlock Holmes, the world’s greatest detective drinking oolong? I can’t let you do that, Sherlock. I can’t let you sully yourself. Your body may only be transport, but you deserve better. You’re better than that. Oolong? Bloody hell!”  
“Thank you, John.”  
“You don’t actually call him Notjohn to his face, do you?”  
“Not intentionally.”  
“Sherlock! You should be polite to him.”  
“What on earth for? He’s an idiot.”  
“Yes, you’ve said. But if you’re polite to him, you may be able to teach him enough that he’s useful to you.”  
“Doubtful.”  
“Really, Sherlock. The reason you don’t get on with lots of people is not because everyone’s jealous of your cleverness. It’s because you’re not satisfied with being the cleverest person in the room, you’ve also got to make sure that no one forgets how stupid you think they are.”  
“How stupid they are.”  
“Try for a bit of humility, Sherlock. Everybody’s somebody’s idiot. Besides being clever doesn’t make you a better person.”  
“What’s a better person?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“What constitutes a better person?”  
“Well, there aren’t degrees of personhood. Everyone deserves their dignity. But what I mean is you aren’t ‘brilliant, amazing, extraordinary, fantastic’ just because you can look at a person and tell them their life story. If all you ever did with it was point out that Anderson’s shagging Donovan, you’d just be a very observant arsehole.”  
“A very boring arsehole. So I am a better person, then. I catch criminals and stop crimes.”  
“No, that’s not where I was going with that. You have an amazing talent, but you could take it even further if you were a bit more...kind.”  
“Kind?”  
“Fine, Sherlock! If kindness is so repellent to your cold, mechanical heart, don’t be kind. But at least stop going out of your way to humiliate people because they can’t do what you do.”  
“I don’t do that.”  
“Yes, you do.” 

...

"Maybe after all this is over, we should go on holiday. Would you like that?"  
"No, of course not."  
"Have you ever been on holiday?"  
"Mycroft took me to France once when I was twelve. We rowed the whole time. I threw his passport down a sewer, and he pushed me into a bicycle messenger."  
"That doesn't sound like fun."  
"No."  
"Well, most holidays aren't like that."  
"Aren't they?"  
"Now you mention it, I once took a prat to Dartmoor and almost got eaten by an imaginary dog."  
"That is a complete mischaracterisation of what happened, John. But would it be a murder holiday? I'd quite like that. Murder in a new place. That does sound like fun."  
"No, the point of the holiday would be to get away from the murders."  
"John, we are away from the murders now. Has that made us happy?"  
"I suppose not. I don't miss the murders, exactly, but I miss watching you decipher a crime scene from looking at the victim's left eyebrow."  
"Left eyebrow? What case was that?"  
"Not a real case. It was just an example."  
"There are a wealth of cases you could have picked John; why invent details?"  
"Sorry, I don't have a mental catalogue of the details of every case we've ever worked."  
"You'll never be a detective this way."  
"Who said I want to be a detective?"  
"Just trying to cure you of your sloppy habits."  
"Let my sloppy habits alone and attend to your own. If I find one more head in the fridge, yours is winding up along next to it."  
"Mine? Why? As a control?"  
"No, Sherlock, not as a control. As vengeance."  
"Vengeance? You'd never get away with it. And they call me a psychopath."

...

"You're opaque, but you seem transparent. How do you do it, John?"  
"Sorry?"  
"You're much more like me than you seem at first. You're not quite all right without my chaos, are you?"  
"Don't flatter yourself. I could do with a bit less chaos."  
"You need me like I need you. Don't you see how neat it is? We seem to be nothing alike, but we're a matched set, John!"  
"Did you just work that out?"  
"This generally isn't the sort of thing I devote my brain to, but it's had loads less to do lately. I'm doing a lot of waiting around at the moment."  
"Well. Glad I could help?"  
"Yes, thank you. Your existence has proved most useful."  
"Yeah, yours too. You paid half the rent."  
"Oh, John, not another deflection. I thought feelings were good. Can't we discuss this?"  
"We're not discussing anything. You're crowing about how much I need you."  
"John, we need each other. That's the beauty of it, John! See? Neat!"  
"Right Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock. I got it. Moving along."  
"You're angry. Why?"  
"Oh well spotted. Just don't deduce me about this, okay? Or at least keep it to yourself."  
"What have I done now?"  
"I just don't want to be dissected, all right?"  
"I still don't understand."  
"I know you don't; just drop it, Sherlock!"

...

“Hello John. Fancy a chat or are you still feeling tetchy?”  
“If you’re going to be like that right now, I will put the phone down.”  
“Just tell me what’s upsetting you.”  
“Why? What will you do then?”  
“It will make you feel better.”  
“No, it won’t.”  
“It might. I feel better when I talk to you.”  
“Because I’m pleasant. And you still won’t talk to me sometimes.”  
“Please, John. Let me try to be pleasant.”  
“It’s fine, Sherlock, really. I’m coping. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”  
“What are you coping with?”  
“I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s talk about something else, please.”  
“Is it to do with what I said about how we need each other?”  
“Stop guessing.”  
“John, you know I never g- No, sorry. If I’ve done something to offend you, it’s only fair that you tell me what it is so that I can put it right.”  
“Life’s not fair.”  
“I’m not going to be able to leave it, you know.”  
“Yes, I know.”  
“So will you just tell me?”  
“I can’t. I can’t put it into words.”  
“Draw a picture and describe the picture.”  
“Very amusing. You really want to know?”  
“Obviously.”  
“Right, well. I don’t understand our relationship. It’s unsettling.”  
“Understand it? What’s to understand?”  
“You’re right. I do feel better. Next topic.”  
“John, if you want to talk about it, we can talk about it.”  
“It’s been chilly here. I’ve been thinking of getting a new jumper. I’m considering a navy one, but I’m not sure navy’s my color. What do you think?”  
“It’ll wash you out. Though it might look nice with your eyes” 

...

"Everyone tires of me eventually, John."  
"What?"  
"I expect you'll reach the end of your tether soon."  
"Right. I'd like to fly into a rage, but I suppose I've been doing that too often lately, so I'll just say have you gone mad?"  
"This is a pattern that's repeated itself throughout my life, John."  
"Are you planning something really horrible for your return then?"  
"What?"  
"Well, since I met you I've been kidnapped a handful of times, held hostage three times, once by you. At gunpoint. You and Banksy got me an ASBO. You've hacked my laptop, hacked my emails, hacked my blog, run off every one I've dated. You put human body parts in the fridge. You've publicly embarrassed me. You drugged and terrorised me; you've done experiments on me without my permission. You’ve fired my gun--which I’m not allowed to have, remember?-- into a wall in our flat and into the air in the middle of London. You punched me in the face. And I know what you did to my Christmas jumper. It really sounds like a lot all listed out like this doesn't it?"  
"What's your point, John?"  
"Bit slow today? You've done everything you can do to get rid of me, Sherlock, so unless you murder me, I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck, mate. Get used to it."  
"I'm sorry, John. I don't know what to say."  
"I know that people have disappointed you in the past, but I'm not going to. Stop telling me that I don't care about you because you know I care about you more than anything else in the world. We're friends. Friends don't chuck each other."  
"I really am sorry, John. I've been an idiot."  
"Obviously."

...

“It’s driving me mad that I can’t see you.”  
“I miss you as well.”  
“No, I mean it’s so much harder to know what you’re thinking when I can’t see your face and your body language.”  
“You don’t know what I’m thinking. You guess what I’m thinking and sometimes you get it wrong.”  
“I never guess.”  
“You thought I was asking you out when we first met. At Angelo’s.”  
“If you’d seen you, you would have made the same assumption. I’m still not convinced I was wrong about that, actually.”  
“Not gay, Sherlock.”  
“Even so.”  
“How could I have been asking you out without realising?”  
“Who said you didn’t realise?”  
“Wasn’t asking you out. Really.”  
“Do you want me to tell you how I came to that conclusion?”  
“No.”  
“Thought not.”  
“That doesn’t prove anything, Sherlock.”  
“It doesn’t disprove anything, John.”  
“Do you know what I’m thinking right now?”  
“Language I don’t care to repeat.”  
“Good guess.”  
“John, you know I never guess.” 

...

“Worn any funny hats lately?”  
“It wasn’t my hat!”  
“I didn’t say that hat. Any funny hats at all?”  
“John, please. My head will explode. And I will die.”  
“That would be uncomfortable. And after you’ve just come back from the dead, too.”  
“Yes, I haven’t the time and patience for two resurrections in one lifetime, John.”  
“After the first resurrection, you get a new lifetime.”  
“Shouldn’t I be an infant, then?”  
“You mean you aren’t?”  
“My god, how wretched it’d be to have to relive my childhood. I’d rather stay dead.”  
“Don’t say that.”  
“Sorry.”  
“It’s fine.”  
“I’ll come back as many times as you like, John.”  
“Just stop dying.” 

...

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, John.”  
“I don’t believe I’ve made you any promises, Mycroft.”  
“You know what I mean.”  
“I don’t know what it’s got to do with you. In fact, I’m quite sure it’s got nothing at all to do with you.”  
“Sherlock-”  
“Doesn’t need your help. He’s a big boy. Remembers his trousers most of the time, even. How many times do we have to have this conversation?”  
“Until it sinks in.”  
“What does Sherlock say when you warn him off me?”  
“He says what you say.”  
“Perhaps you should listen.”  
“Perhaps you should.”  
“Right, well, I can make you a promise now. You’re not going to get anywhere with this. Give it up.”  
“It may be difficult for you to believe given what he’s already put you through, John, but you haven’t seen him at his worst.”  
“Maybe you haven’t seen him at his best. Anyway, that’s enough of that. Until next time.”

...

“Have you been talking to Mycroft about our situation?”  
“Of course not!”  
“He has been defending your honour.”  
“Oh, that. He enjoys the idea that he’s the only person in the world who can put up with me. He’s always lecturing me about smothering you.”  
“He thinks I’m going to run off and break your heart. It’s almost sweet, actually. All that fraternal affection.”  
“He’s a pompous, priggish, bloated, officious, snoop.”  
“So an older sibling, then. Well, I was saying I think he’s got our phones bugged.”  
“Oh yes, I assume he has. You might say my last remark was directed at him.”  
“How could he bug your phone, though is the question. He’s nowhere near you. Oh, he must’ve used the Other John.”  
“There is no other John. And the person you are referring to has never handled my phone.”  
“You don’t make him send your texts for you?”  
“I’ve only just met him.”  
“Six weeks ago. When we’d known each other six weeks, you were already borrowing my pants.”  
“I didn’t realise you knew about that.”  
“I deduced it. What’s his name, then?”  
“...whose name, John?”  
“Ha, the other doctor, Sherlock. We’re still not quite that good friends.”  
“Oh, he’s called Jonathan something or other.”  
“So, he is literally the other Jon, then?”  
“No, John. There is no other John.”  
“Sherlock, there are other Johns. I’m not the only John.”  
“Yes, you are. Obviously, he’s not really called Jonathan or Jon or John. It’s a pseudonym, and Mycroft picked it to wind me up.”  
“Ah, that’s why you call him Notjohn.”  
“As I said before, I do not do that intentionally.”  
“So call him by his surname.”  
“I deleted it.”  
“So ask him.”  
“Tedious.” 

...

“John, will you bring me some biscuits?”  
“And some tea as well? Just tell me where to bring them.”  
“I’m famished.”  
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you claim to be hungry before.”  
“Complaining about being hungry is pointless when there is food at hand.”  
“You haven’t got any food?”  
“It’s complicated.”  
“Tell Mycroft. He can arrange something, can’t he?”  
“Well, the situation is due to an interpersonal difficulty.”  
“Is it to do with you being an arse to your assistant?”  
“I wouldn’t put it that way.”  
“Would he?”  
“I suppose he might.”  
“Can it be put right with an apology?”  
“No, it can’t.”  
“Because you refuse to apologise? Sherlock? Is that what it is? Right, well I know what that guilty silence means.”  
“Bored silence.”  
“Hungry silence.” 

...

“Are you really keeping a list of things that annoy me?”  
“Do you have something you want to add to it?”  
“I don’t think you need the list at all. I think you know quite well what sorts of things annoy me, and you pretend not to when it suits you.”  
“Would you like me to put that on it?”  
“Is there really a list?”  
“What do you think?”  
“Is this a joke about how you know I hate it when you’re evasive for no reason?”  
“I don’t usually put that much work into my jokes.”  
“But you’d do anything for me.”  
“True.” 

...

“I’ve gotten you a gift. I wish I could give it to you now.”  
“A gift? What sort of gift?”  
“Can you deduce it?”  
“If I could see you, I could deduce it. Give me a clue, and I’ll try.”  
“I thought you hated riddles.”  
“I’m BORED, John!”  
“No need to shout; you’re speaking into a microphone.”  
“No, you can’t give a good clue. Let me ask you a question instead.”  
“All right, whatever you like. I hadn’t thought to make this into a game.”  
“How many questions do I get?”  
“Er, twenty?”  
“It’s hardly a game, if I get as many as that.”  
“Well, I wasn’t really trying to make it a game.”  
“What about three? Will three do for you?”  
“Ask as many questions as you like.”  
“Come on, John. Set the rules, or it’s not a game.”  
“All right then. You decide how many questions to ask, but if you annoy me, the game’s over.”  
“Hmm, tricky.”  
“Indeed.”  
“May I propose another rule?”  
“If you like. I really don’t care.”  
“John-oh, I see. You’re trying to end the game early. Right then, I’ll just start. Was it ever alive?”  
“No! Alive? What’s the matter with you?”  
“I thought you might have procured me a specimen.”  
“Procured. What an alarming word to use in this context. Anyway, it likely wouldn’t be any good by the time you get back.”  
“Mmm, indeed. Is it a tool?”  
“No.”  
“Oh dear, this is not sounding good.”  
“Sherlock!”  
“Is it practical or sentimental?”  
“Bit of both, I suppose. Aren’t you out of questions now? Do you want me to tell you?”  
“No! I’ll keep guessing until I annoy you.”  
“Shouldn’t take long, then. And I thought you never guessed.”  
“Trying. I’ll keep trying. It’s not something to wear, is it?”  
“Ha, no.”  
“Thank god.”  
“You’re getting close, Sherlock.”  
“Right. Sorry. Where did you get it? Unless that’s too big of a clue?”  
“At the Tesco.”  
“Is it food?”  
“No.”  
“John, this is a terrible game.”  
“Well, that’s done it. Now you’ll never know.”  
“John!”  
“It was my one rule, Sherlock. Don’t annoy me.”  
“You knew from the start I had no hope of following it.”  
“You were already breaking it when I made it.”  
“I know.”  
“It’s a stress ball.”  
“Oh, John how thoughtful. Thank you.”

...

It’s been two months. Can we call your little experiment ended?  
-SH

Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer?  
-M

I tried, Mycroft. He doesn’t work well with me. I need John.  
-SH

You did no such thing. You barely learnt his name.  
-M

The name you gave him for the express purpose of annoying me.  
-SH

Sherlock, I could not have been more clear. John stays in England. We agreed to it. You demanded it, in fact.  
-M

I’ve changed my mind.  
-SH

I haven’t.  
-M

I don’t see why you think yourself in a position to make demands. I suppose you imagine that you’re doing me a favour by participating in this operation.  
-M

Running this operation.  
-SH

I am running this operation, Sherlock. You are involved because it’s an elegant way to dispose of you until it is safe for you to return to England.  
-M

I must admit you’re doing even better than I had expected. I’m very pleased. If you continue you impress me, I may be able to make room for you in my department.  
-M

I have already addressed that suggestion.  
-SH

If I could be assured that you’re giving some consideration to my proposal, I might be more inclined to consider yours.  
-M

I know what your consideration is worth, Mycroft.  
-SH

...

“Do you think I should go and work for Mycroft? Once I’m back in England, I mean.”  
“Have you been recently struck on the head? What year is it?”  
“He’s been suggesting it. Offering me favours in return.”  
“You hate Mycroft. He’s your arch-enemy.”  
“I don’t hate him exactly. I just don’t like him. Or trust him.”  
“Then why would you want to work for him?”  
“I really need a favour.”  
“What could possibly be worth it? Anyway, he’s already a world-champion meddler. Do you really want to give him even more leverage? Besides, you wouldn’t be able to call yourself the world’s only consulting detective anymore. You might be the world’s only consulting spy. I do like the sound of that. But then I wouldn’t be able to blog about it.”  
“You’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Mycroft has never given me just what I asked for. I’m sure he’d find a way to cock it up.”  
“What is it you need? Can I help? Are you allowed to tell me?”  
“Better not.”  
“Talking of spies, did you know there’s been a new Bond film? While you’ve been abroad.”  
“Has there?”  
“Yeah, I haven’t seen it yet, but I heard it’s brilliant. Would you like to see it with me?”  
“Sure, lovely.”  
“And we could have dinner as well. And a drink maybe.”  
“Yeah, sounds good.”  
“Good. Great. It’s a date then.”

...

I’ll do it.  
-SH

That’s wonderful news, Sherlock. We’ll collect your friend right away and forward him to you as soon as he’s been debriefed.  
-M

Strike that, Sherlock. The deal’s off.  
-M

Of course it is.  
-SH

No, Sherlock. It’s time. Adair is in play. Moran is in Britain again. Are you ready?  
-M

Naturally.  
-SH

Get yourself to the arranged place at once. My people will meet you there.  
-M

On my way. If John is agreeable, do you think you could arrange for him to stay with you? Until I’m back?  
-SH

I will look after him. He won’t come to any harm. I’ll see you in a few hours.  
-M

Thank you. I will find some way to repay you for what you’ve done for John while I’ve been gone. We can work something out.  
-SH

 

Don’t mention it.  
-M

I do love this bit.  
-SH

I know you do.  
-M

The game is on!  
-SH

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[PODFIC] The Adventure of the Consulting Corpse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10603845) by [Lockedinjohnlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lockedinjohnlock/pseuds/Lockedinjohnlock)




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